But I signed them. . .
As I was discharged from the hospital I got wheeled out of the Labor and Delivery section of the hospital. The entire time I was being wheeled out I was screaming "I want my baby back!" "Mom, I regret it!" "Give me my baby back!"
I'll be straight up, honest right now; I was completely and totally regretting signing those papers. I was thinking "Why me? Why can't I just bring my baby home me?"
I think about what my life would be like if I decided to parent. I probably wouldn't be starting my freshman year. . . What would her name be? What would my family be going through? Would it be easier than what we're going through now?
I've thought all of these things for a while now. Some times I wish there would be a crib and changing table in my room and not a vanity and couch. I wish my closet were filled with her clothes and not all mine. I wish I could just hold her when I'm having a tough day instead of holding her baby blankets from the hospital and flipping through pictures of her. Sometimes I wish I was sleep deprived because I was having late night feedings and not because I'm crying for 3-4 hours straight because of a broken heart. Because my baby is in someone else's home, with someone else giving her kisses. with someone else being able to have her call her mommy when she's older. with someone else saying "good night, honey." With someone else wiping her tears when she's had her heart broken for the first time. I just wish it could be me.
But I have to stand on the sideline waiting for that day when she's old enough to call me and tell me about her day and tell me about her first date, her first homecoming and prom. I don't get to witness that first hand.
But that's ok. Because I'm Birth-Mommy. I have a very important roll in my little girl's life.
I think about what my life would be like if I decided to parent. I probably wouldn't be starting my freshman year. . . What would her name be? What would my family be going through? Would it be easier than what we're going through now?
I've thought all of these things for a while now. Some times I wish there would be a crib and changing table in my room and not a vanity and couch. I wish my closet were filled with her clothes and not all mine. I wish I could just hold her when I'm having a tough day instead of holding her baby blankets from the hospital and flipping through pictures of her. Sometimes I wish I was sleep deprived because I was having late night feedings and not because I'm crying for 3-4 hours straight because of a broken heart. Because my baby is in someone else's home, with someone else giving her kisses. with someone else being able to have her call her mommy when she's older. with someone else saying "good night, honey." With someone else wiping her tears when she's had her heart broken for the first time. I just wish it could be me.
But I have to stand on the sideline waiting for that day when she's old enough to call me and tell me about her day and tell me about her first date, her first homecoming and prom. I don't get to witness that first hand.
But that's ok. Because I'm Birth-Mommy. I have a very important roll in my little girl's life.
