It's a Bumpy Road

Today is a rough day for a couple of reasons. I have been reading on your parents' old blog, where I first found them. They were the first couple I had ever looked at. When their blog page pulled up I immidiately knew they were the ones. Anyways, I was reading a post titled "Thankful for you" at the end your mommy ended it by saying, "come home soon, mom". I burst into tears. Somethings happen for a reason. I honestly believe that I got pregnant and made those choices for Chelsy to be a mom and Brent to be a dad.

      I can't stop crying. The silliest things make me cry and stress out. Like thinking what if my house catches on fire and I can't get to my "Clara box" in time?! With school starting next week everything is scaring me. What if people are rude to me because of my decision to place. Most people that I haven't talked to in a couple months hound me with questions. And most days I don't feel like talking about it because its so hard. All I feel like doing is slamming their head onto a table when they ask me those questions. And for some reason they ask right at the moment when I'm the saddest.

     I don't have many friends anymore because of my situation. All I do is sit at home and watch T.V. because I don't feel like moving. Which is bad because I have so much thinking time and all my thoughts lead to you. What if things were different? What if you weren't here. Well, my life would be so different. And so would your parents'. I thank my Heavenly Father every single day for you and your mommy and daddy. You saved me baby girl, you really did.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

Off to Texas

Last night was our last visit until November. This will be a very hard struggle for me and a huge change especially since I used to see  you once a week. You are my Angel and its so hard to say goodbye each week but this week was the hardest goodbye. Be safe in Texas baby girl.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

An Answer To Their Prayers

"At times we will be tested and the challenges I may have in life will be hard. But I will go and be that answer to your challenge and answer your prayer."  

     A woman e-mailed me this with a paragraph to go with it. I was reading how she was thanking me for my decision to place my baby. Then I read that. I started to cry because it's so very true. I answered someone's prayers. That someday they will be a mother/father. I feel as if I have a very special place in Clara's family. I've finally answered their prayers. 

I can't stop crying. Gotta go.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

My Clara Box

This is what I call my "Clara Box". It has everything that has to do with her in it.
What's all in there?:
A polka dot blanket from placement day (she has a matching one)
A quilt Clara's mom made for me
A box with three smaller boxes in it containing the pieces of jewellery I received from her parents
The reliquishment papers, her footprints, and letters from both of her parents families to Me, documents from the hospital.
6 baby blankets from the hospital
All of her baby pictures that I receive weekly, Maternity pictures, and first ultrasound video and pictures
And 4 little outfits she wore in the hospital, her pacifier, and hospital hat
Her hospital bracelets and also mine.

     I know I may sound crazy,  And maybe I am a little. But I keep everything possible for the hard days. They really help. Her scent on the articles of clothing and baby blankets.

      Although it hurts to see the baby onezies and wish she was wearing them while she slept in my arms at night.

      It's bitter-sweet to see all of Clara's clothes at their house. They're all SO cute but I wish that those were in my house. With me having to do a buttload of laundry from blowouts and spit up. Those four days in the hospital were amazing, even at the hardest moments. We had a little routine going. I loved watching her sleep. I loved when she had the hiccups, at every hiccup her eyebrows would rise. She has the sweetest cry. It makes me want to just cradle her and cry too. I don't hear it enough. I'm in awe over her.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

I want you to be proud of me

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, what does my future hold?
I've been dreaming of a future in writing. Go to a great college, write a book. Not just any book. A book about my journey of being 13/14 and pregnant, and then placing a baby.

     I want you to be proud of me, Clara. I want you to look up to me and go "I want to be just as strong as my Birth-Mommy." I want to be an example to other Birth-Mothers out there. That just because this difficult thing happened in our lives we can move on and become what we've always dreamed to become. We are the strongest women out there.

      The reason why I want to share my story is because of the interesting things that occurred. Being 13/14 and pregnant. And then the hardship of the placement. Not all girls who place have as bad of grief as I do.

     Every single day I struggle. I struggle to hang on. "Can I do this anymore?" "I can't" flipping through pictures and wondering if maybe your parents wouldn't have to move from Salt Lake to Houston. Having that little bit of hope that you'll stay here. But that's not reality. Reality is, they're moving. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom