Depression

Wow. Tough subject. I haven't written to you in about 4 months. I'm sorry, life happened.

I'm depressed. I miss you like crazy and I'm sorry I say that in every post but there's nothing else to talk about. I miss your sweet smile, laugh, smell. Everything. I want to make you proud, i really do, but these last few weeks, have been hard!

I haven't gone to school in a month, at least. I feel so horrible for it but I just cannot find the drive to get out of bed, and get ready to face 1,000 teenagers every single day. I was passing with flying colors in ASL (American Sign Language) and Peer Tutoring, it's a class where you help with kids that have mental disabilities. I loved those classes. I really really did. I saw myself graduating with honors and scholarships. I really, truly did. But somewhere along the way, my world sort of stopped.

I think I realized just how much I miss you, every second, of every minute, of every day. I know I need to move on and find closure and peace. But I just can't. It's so hard.

All I've wanted to do is grow up, for so long, and now I don't even see myself doing that. I just don't want to move.

YES I want to make something of myself. I want to be a midwife and have my own business. UGH!
But I can't even imagine getting up in the morning, let alone graduating high school, college, creating a business.

What am I even saying?!

I'm frustrated with how the whole adoption is going (that's hard typing that). I need more updates, pictures, FaceTimes, anything I can get, I want 20 of. (haha, I'm insane) I miss you so much.

It's so hard being 15 and not relating to anyone my age, and not fitting in because I don't wear FreePeople clothing and wear my hair in weird buns. I know there's gotta be someone I can relate to out there but I don't feel like finding them.

I know I'm depressed and the shittiest part of it all is that, I don't give a damn. I just want to suffer through it, because I don't have the motivation to fix it.

Holy crap, none of this has made sense. So sorry to whoever is reading this.

Aside from all of the crappy stuff that has happened in my life, I have earned my temple recommend and try to go as often as possible. It really makes me happy. I'm hoping with my going there (what?) I can find happiness, honestly.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Biz

I am a mother

I know it's obvious... I'm a birthmom but I am also a mother and no one can take that from me.

I was a mother from September 2012 to May 19, 2013.

It's obviously not mother's day but this video gets me EVERY time.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birth-mom Biz

I Knew They Were The Ones / Feeling Guilty

Tonight I am feeling oh-so-grateful for finding your parents so early on and building our relationship to such a beautiful thing (its still growing). They really are what I wish for myself in the future, but even more perfect. I've said it 2 million times and I'll say it again... When their blog page loaded I absolutely knew i found them...

Tonight I looked back on their blog that I first laid my eyes on back in (about) September of 2012... I scrolled through their pictures and just fell in love. There was this one picture of your mom and her adorable sisters, with the caption "Chelsy and her cute sisters" all of them had experienced motherhood, yet Chelsy hadn't.

I was talking with a fellow birth-mom friend who placed just a bitter-sweet 3 1/2 months ago. I was explaining to her how in ways I feel guilty that I experienced something so beautiful and amazing, without even "wanting" (not planning on pregnancy/motherhood) and Chelsy, who had waited her whole life and longed for it for years, hadn't. My friend continued with a statement that is so fitting to my feeling (if that's the right word) of this saying something like "We were messing with magic".

I don't know how else to continue...

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birth-Mom Biz

Gotta share this picture...
(You are now 15 months!)

To The Boy Who Got Me Pregnant

     Even though you despise me so much and most likely will never speak to me again. Thank you.

Thank you for teaching me to love myself because obviously you didn't.

Thank you for letting me experience the joys of motherhood and pregnancy.

Thank you for allowing my body to stretch and scar into a perfect incubator for that life.

Thank you for allowing myself to experience true love... no, not from you, but from Clara Jane.

Thank you for everything.

Elizabeth.

I Have a 1 Year Old Now?!

CLARA!! You turned 1 yesterday at 1:38pm. (5.15.14)

     It was a REALLY tough day...  But instead of being a Debbie Downer I chose to celebrate your life and I baked you a cake:

And decorated it:

(no I have never decorated a cake before)

And got to see your beautiful face via FaceTime:

^Laugh crying from excitement of seeing you^

^Singing Happy Birthday to you^

I cannot believe it's been 1 YEAR!!! Happy Birthday Clara Jane. Your birth mommy loves you!!! I wish I could write more but I can't stop crying. Happy Birthday, my love!!

(ALL PICTURES ARE OWNED BY ELIZABETH LARSON)

Love You, And I Mean It,

Birth-Mom Biz

P.S. I made you that banner to put over each birthday cake I buy/make for you since sometimes you won't be there to blow out any candles!

The Bitter-Sweet

     Clara Jane, I find myself crying over you quite often lately. Your first birthday is just 4 days away, not even, because the day is almost over. I feel all the same emotions I did last year.

Bitter-Sweet, is the only way to describe it.

    I cannot stop crying. I just want to lay in bed and cry and wonder how the hell I will get through this. It's so hard. So hard...

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birth-Mommy Biz

You at about 2 days old:

My Heart Hurts...

Tonight my heart aches with pain from remembering the night I placed you...

The emptiness I felt unto the world was unbearable. Not caring if I died right then because I felt there was nothing else to live for. 

     

    All the bullshit I went through in those four days in the hospital, no one should have to feel. 

     To this day, my heart has never been the same. It's as if someone took a piece of myself from me forever. Maybe because that's what happened...

My heart hurts from remembering... But I wouldn't trade it for a thing.

I Love You, And I Mean It,

Birth-Mom 

Out With The Old, In With The New

     Happy New Year Baby Girl,

     I cannot begin to explain the heartbreak of tonight. I never knew a pink journal could be so hard to read. Inside was a Feeding Flowsheet from when you were still mine... What time I fed you, what day, and how much you ate. It may sound so silly to others but it was hard for me to look at. 

     I have missed out on a lot of "firsts" in the past few weeks. Not being able to be there when you opened your first Christmas gift was harder than I expected. You mean more to me than anything in the world and it kills me to miss out on "firsts". 

     Soon you will be getting your first tooth, your first word, your first time crawling. And your first birthday.

     The heart-break that birth moms around the world face are more hard than anyone else thinks. Sometimes I feel like no one cares. Sometimes I feel like no one understands... It's hard placing your child for adoption when you wish you could've given the life they deserved by yourself. I know you're in a good place. I wanted you there, but I miss you a lot tonight Clara Jane. 

     I hope you had a Happy New Year with your mommy and daddy. Can't wait to see you next, Honey! Happy New Year 2014...

Love You, And I Mean It,

Birth-Momma Biz

P.S. Here's some pictures from our most recent visit last week: