T Minus 12 Days!

Dear Baby Girl,

Last night I was lying in my bed trying to find a comfortable position for a 9 month pregnant woman. Not easy with swollen ankles and puffy toes. But once I found that spot you pushed your teeny little foot right onto where my hand was resting on my tummy. I have never felt a feeling like I did last night. It made this whole experience more real than it was before. I don't want to complain but this is going to be a post where I will.


       In about 14 days I will be signing a packet titled: "Relinquishment of Parental Rights, Consent To Adoption and Consent To Termination of Parental Rights." I will be signing away my rights as a mother and handing those rights to your mommy. That's a tough thing to do. I am carrying a life. I'm an incubator for another woman's baby...

     That's how I feel. It's not that I feel like your mommy doesn't care about me: because I know she does, and I know she loves me and you so much. But she's been waiting for you for longer than I have been waiting for you. You were hers before you were mine. And I don't want to beat myself up about it or anything but I'm terrified that you won't want to see me when you're older. I'm terrified that you won't understand where I'm coming from with all of this.


   I'm mostly nervous for the hospital. That moment where I hand you to your mommy and you're instantly hers. Her baby that she gets for eternity. And I only got for 48 hours. I know I will get to visit you but it's not as easy as everyone thinks it is. I have a horrible time dealing with loss. I don't know how I'll grief but I know it won't be pretty.


Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

My New Blog

I have just made a new blog that I would love everyone to check out. It's an online journal of mine. So I'll be writing about my feelings placing and everything in between. Thanks for all the pageviews and everything on here, hopefully my other one will be just as popular :) I will still be very active on this blog, so don't worry about that :)
visit: www.imnotmommy.blogspot.com or click on my profile, and it'll take you to my blog links. :)

Ultrasound!

This is my ultrasound of you that I got when I was 18 weeks along. I am now 35 weeks and cant wait to see your beautiful tiny features :) 

Love You, And I Mean It,

Mom

Pregnancy, Adoption, and More...

Everyone asks "what does it feel like to be pregnant?" honestly, it cant be explained other than: it feels like someones living inside of you... thats what's happening!


     Pregnancy is amazing. Other than the heartburn, morning sickness, and constant feet in the ribs. ;)
Having a precious baby be inside of you for 9 months is the most incredible feeling ever... I know some women struggle to conceive and I cant imagine the pain that brings. Not physical pain but emotional pain. Not being able to have babies would be horrifying for most women, so in my situation I feel and am so blessed to be able to carry such an amazing blessing and gift from Heavenly Father. I have so much respect for women who cannot conceive. Some couples, or women, go different routes when they cant. Some go to fertility specialists and doctors to see what they can do to be able to carry a precious baby. I don't know much about that subject but I 100% respect it. Others go the route of Adoption. Adoption is an amazing thing. Its not a "goodbye." its a "see you soon." In some cases people decide to have a closed adoption, and thats totally fine. In my case, I chose an open adoption. I wanted an open adoption because I wanted to see my baby grow up. In closed adoptions you don't get pictures or visitations... I needed that. This is my baby I want to see her grow up and become a beautiful, mature, loving woman.


     Back to pregnancy. Feeling her kick is the most amazing thing. Although it gets annoying to have her feet in my ribs, its pretty cool. She's this tiny little thing and to feel how strong she is... makes me proud in a way. To think that I created this amazing... creature. A human being. With arms and fingers and legs and toes. Its an amazing thing. By no means am I bragging about this. Its just the thoughts that I have.


     I feel in a way honored to carry this gift because I am blessing a couple. Not only a couple but an AMAZING family. They're perfect and I feel so comfortable around them. Which is how it should be. They're family now. I think about family get-togethers and how those will be when I am invited. To see my baby with an amazing, beautiful family, laughing and playing with her cousins. I love to think of that. It sometimes makes my heart ache because I know how much I want that to be my family she's playing and giggling with but, I cannot provide for her.


     Her Mommy and Daddy are two amazing people. They are both so smart and beautiful. Her Daddy is just finishing college and graduating soon! I know this might be weird to say, but I'm so proud of him!! I can't imagine college! It seems so tough ;) When he plays with his nieces and nephews its the cutest thing! He is going to be a great daddy! Her mommy is a photographer and also works for her husband's work. She is so talented and has the best taste in clothes ;)  (I wish I had her closet!!!) hahaha, aside from the jokes... she's a really smart woman! She is going to be an amazing mommy. Her love for children shows through her smile when she's with them. We went and got ice cream with some of their family and she was just looking at her nieces faces with the sweetest smile... It brought tears to my eyes! I know she is going to be the most amazing mommy. She is so gentle and loving. I love these two people and their family so much...



   

This post is all over the place.....

As I sit here in my bed late at night I think to myself "why me? Why did Heavenly Father choose to have me carry a baby? Why? I'm so young"  

I know that it is his plan and he doesn't make mistakes. I cry every night because of how scared I am to give you away. I am not saying I am second guessing my decision I am just saying I'm really scared. I know my decision to place you for adoption is a very hard one, but it is the best choice. You're precious soul needs the best it can get. I know I can give you so much love. But I know your mommy and daddy can give you what you need. I love you, Darling. 

    You're what makes me happy. I feel your kicks, and when you get the hiccups it makes my day. To feel that you are progressing into a strong little girl is nothing but a miracle. 

      I've waited so long to meet you, feel your tiny hands and feet. Memorize your tiny features. But that day that I meet you will change my life forever. It will be the most emotionally filled 48 hours of my life. I will only get to be with you for 48 hours until I hand you to your mommy and daddy. I know it's the best thing for you though, it's never a goodbye; always a see you later. 

I can't wait to kiss your little fingers and snuggle your little body. I love you. 

  

    You are amazing baby girl. I want you to always know your mommy loves you. Not just your mommy but your birth mommy. 

 I can't wait to meet you little one. 

Sorry this post was so all over the place but at 11 o'clock  at night that's just how my brain works. 

I Love You, And I Mean It, 

Mom