T Minus 12 Days!

Dear Baby Girl,

Last night I was lying in my bed trying to find a comfortable position for a 9 month pregnant woman. Not easy with swollen ankles and puffy toes. But once I found that spot you pushed your teeny little foot right onto where my hand was resting on my tummy. I have never felt a feeling like I did last night. It made this whole experience more real than it was before. I don't want to complain but this is going to be a post where I will.


       In about 14 days I will be signing a packet titled: "Relinquishment of Parental Rights, Consent To Adoption and Consent To Termination of Parental Rights." I will be signing away my rights as a mother and handing those rights to your mommy. That's a tough thing to do. I am carrying a life. I'm an incubator for another woman's baby...

     That's how I feel. It's not that I feel like your mommy doesn't care about me: because I know she does, and I know she loves me and you so much. But she's been waiting for you for longer than I have been waiting for you. You were hers before you were mine. And I don't want to beat myself up about it or anything but I'm terrified that you won't want to see me when you're older. I'm terrified that you won't understand where I'm coming from with all of this.


   I'm mostly nervous for the hospital. That moment where I hand you to your mommy and you're instantly hers. Her baby that she gets for eternity. And I only got for 48 hours. I know I will get to visit you but it's not as easy as everyone thinks it is. I have a horrible time dealing with loss. I don't know how I'll grief but I know it won't be pretty.


Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom