Thankful For Them & You

     Hey Monkey,
You were recently sealed to your mom and dad. I think that was one of the most special days so far on this journey. You looked beautiful and were such an angel all day. Your blessing was so special for me to attend. I cannot begin to explain how much I love your mom and dad's family. I don't think I would've made it through the day without them...

     One of your aunts came up to me and hugged me for like 3 minutes while I just balled. She comforted me so much through that hard time. I remember the first time I met her and her BEAUTIFUL family. We met at a ice cream shop, I was still pregnant with you... You were kicking SOOOO much! I'm surprised I kept the ice cream down and didn't throw up! You just seemed to love them, and you hadn't even came into the world yet! Your totally adorable cousins kept me laughing through that visit! They are so cute and you are so lucky to have them as cousins!!!

     Another thing that was awesome about your blessing and sealing other than being able to attend was your parents' family thanking me for what I did for them, for making it happen, for my selfless sacrifice that I had done for you... I am so thankful for adoption and especially Open Adoption.

I'm signing off now, baby girl.



Love You, And I Mean It,
Birth-Momma Biz

T minus 6 days

Hey honey, I'm so sorry I haven't written to you in a long time. Theres really no other excuse than I'm busy!. I miss you so much. I get to see you in 6 days when your mommy and daddy come back to Utah for your Blessing and Sealing to them. I couldn't be more happy. I wanted you to have a forever family, and you're getting just that next week.

     I haven  seen you in 12 weeks. How do i know it's been twelve weeks? Well, I get weekly letters from your mommy and daddy with pictures of you. I now have twelve of them. Those letters are so special to me. I don't know what kind of state I'd be in if I didn't have them.

     On the 15th this month you turned 6 months! Holy cow. Your mommy says you've been rolling around like crazy. Last time I saw you, you were doing tummy time and could lift your head up and I was SO proud. It's still so crazy to think that I made a human being. That you're healthy and SO strong. That I did the ultimate sacrifice and placed you in the arms of a forever family. Wow. Well, I guess I'm signing off. I'll see you in 6 days. I couldn't be more excited. I'm ending this with a picture that your mommy took of you and I a few hours after you were born. (Don't mind my Cafe Rio spilled on my hospital gown. I hadn't eaten in nearly 24 hours. YIKES!)

Love You, And I Mean It,

Birth Mommy Biz

Go Like It

For those of you with Facebook, I've made a page about being a birth mom. All you have to do is go on and in your search bar type in "Being Birth-Mom" it's the page you want, not the group! Go like it! I made it for easier access and to see how traffic flow is doing (; I will copy and paste my entries from this website and post them on the page.
*this page is NOT being shut down*
Thank you for the page views, they just keep climbing! Don't forget to check out today's blog entry, sorry it's been so long!

Thank you,
Elizabeth

You're Growing!

Hi baby girl, I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while. I've been doing really really well. I tear up every once in a while but I don't catch myself laying in a pool of tears anymore. I miss you, don't get me wrong. But your mom and dad writing to me once a week with pictures is such a help. I cry a little when I read about your daily activities and how much you squeal and squirm now in those weekly letters. I've kept them all, in the same envelope that they came in, with the pictures in the same order they were received.

     You've grown so much. From being my little tiny premie sized baby to a big chunky monkey! You were born weighing 5 pounds 8.4 ounces and at the length of 18 inches. You're now 13 pounds 2 ounces and 24 inches long!! I know when my mom or dad says that I've gotten so big it bugs me but now I get to bug you about it ;)  You "coo" a lot now and your mommy says you hardly like to be held like a baby anymore. (unless you're tired ;) ) Which she says is a good thing. In her letters she's said that you are interested in cereal! You can't stop watching mommy and daddy eat it!

     I can't wait to see you in November darling!

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birth-Mom

P.S. Yes, I've changed it to birth mom because I have an important roll as one, and I accept it now.

It's a Bumpy Road

Today is a rough day for a couple of reasons. I have been reading on your parents' old blog, where I first found them. They were the first couple I had ever looked at. When their blog page pulled up I immidiately knew they were the ones. Anyways, I was reading a post titled "Thankful for you" at the end your mommy ended it by saying, "come home soon, mom". I burst into tears. Somethings happen for a reason. I honestly believe that I got pregnant and made those choices for Chelsy to be a mom and Brent to be a dad.

      I can't stop crying. The silliest things make me cry and stress out. Like thinking what if my house catches on fire and I can't get to my "Clara box" in time?! With school starting next week everything is scaring me. What if people are rude to me because of my decision to place. Most people that I haven't talked to in a couple months hound me with questions. And most days I don't feel like talking about it because its so hard. All I feel like doing is slamming their head onto a table when they ask me those questions. And for some reason they ask right at the moment when I'm the saddest.

     I don't have many friends anymore because of my situation. All I do is sit at home and watch T.V. because I don't feel like moving. Which is bad because I have so much thinking time and all my thoughts lead to you. What if things were different? What if you weren't here. Well, my life would be so different. And so would your parents'. I thank my Heavenly Father every single day for you and your mommy and daddy. You saved me baby girl, you really did.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

Off to Texas

Last night was our last visit until November. This will be a very hard struggle for me and a huge change especially since I used to see  you once a week. You are my Angel and its so hard to say goodbye each week but this week was the hardest goodbye. Be safe in Texas baby girl.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

An Answer To Their Prayers

"At times we will be tested and the challenges I may have in life will be hard. But I will go and be that answer to your challenge and answer your prayer."  

     A woman e-mailed me this with a paragraph to go with it. I was reading how she was thanking me for my decision to place my baby. Then I read that. I started to cry because it's so very true. I answered someone's prayers. That someday they will be a mother/father. I feel as if I have a very special place in Clara's family. I've finally answered their prayers. 

I can't stop crying. Gotta go.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

My Clara Box

This is what I call my "Clara Box". It has everything that has to do with her in it.
What's all in there?:
A polka dot blanket from placement day (she has a matching one)
A quilt Clara's mom made for me
A box with three smaller boxes in it containing the pieces of jewellery I received from her parents
The reliquishment papers, her footprints, and letters from both of her parents families to Me, documents from the hospital.
6 baby blankets from the hospital
All of her baby pictures that I receive weekly, Maternity pictures, and first ultrasound video and pictures
And 4 little outfits she wore in the hospital, her pacifier, and hospital hat
Her hospital bracelets and also mine.

     I know I may sound crazy,  And maybe I am a little. But I keep everything possible for the hard days. They really help. Her scent on the articles of clothing and baby blankets.

      Although it hurts to see the baby onezies and wish she was wearing them while she slept in my arms at night.

      It's bitter-sweet to see all of Clara's clothes at their house. They're all SO cute but I wish that those were in my house. With me having to do a buttload of laundry from blowouts and spit up. Those four days in the hospital were amazing, even at the hardest moments. We had a little routine going. I loved watching her sleep. I loved when she had the hiccups, at every hiccup her eyebrows would rise. She has the sweetest cry. It makes me want to just cradle her and cry too. I don't hear it enough. I'm in awe over her.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

I want you to be proud of me

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, what does my future hold?
I've been dreaming of a future in writing. Go to a great college, write a book. Not just any book. A book about my journey of being 13/14 and pregnant, and then placing a baby.

     I want you to be proud of me, Clara. I want you to look up to me and go "I want to be just as strong as my Birth-Mommy." I want to be an example to other Birth-Mothers out there. That just because this difficult thing happened in our lives we can move on and become what we've always dreamed to become. We are the strongest women out there.

      The reason why I want to share my story is because of the interesting things that occurred. Being 13/14 and pregnant. And then the hardship of the placement. Not all girls who place have as bad of grief as I do.

     Every single day I struggle. I struggle to hang on. "Can I do this anymore?" "I can't" flipping through pictures and wondering if maybe your parents wouldn't have to move from Salt Lake to Houston. Having that little bit of hope that you'll stay here. But that's not reality. Reality is, they're moving. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

   

It's My Decision

Signing my parental rights away was the hardest thing I have and will ever do. As I sat in that hospital bed, ready to sign the relinquishment I almost backed away. I didn't think I was strong enough.

     But I signed them. . . 

As I was discharged from the hospital I got wheeled out of the Labor and Delivery section of the hospital. The entire time I was being wheeled out I was screaming "I want my baby back!" "Mom, I regret it!" "Give me my baby back!"

      I'll be straight up, honest right now; I was completely and totally regretting signing those papers. I was thinking "Why me? Why can't I just bring my baby home  me?"

I think about what my life  would be like if I decided to parent. I probably wouldn't be starting my freshman year. . . What would her name be? What would my family be going through? Would it be easier than what we're going through now?

I've thought all of these things for a while now. Some times I wish there would be a crib and changing table in my room and not a vanity and couch. I wish my closet were filled with her clothes and not all mine. I wish I could just hold her when I'm having a tough day instead of holding her baby blankets from the hospital and flipping through pictures of her. Sometimes I wish I was sleep deprived because I was having late night feedings and not because I'm crying for 3-4 hours straight because of a broken heart. Because my baby is in someone else's home, with someone else giving her kisses. with someone else being able to have her call her mommy when she's older. with someone else saying "good night, honey." With someone else wiping her tears when she's had her heart broken for the first time. I just wish it could be me.

But I have to stand on the sideline waiting for that day when she's old enough to call me and tell me about her day and tell me about her first date, her first homecoming and prom. I don't get to witness that first hand.

But that's ok. Because I'm Birth-Mommy. I have a very important roll in my little girl's life. 

Welcome to The World, Clara Boo

It was a sunny warm evening, (May 14th, 2013) as I was resting in my dad's green recliner in his bedroom watching So You Think You Can Dance. My tummy was crampy but I didn't think anything of it. I figured it was false labor, or just Braxton Hicks contractions. So as any 40 week and 2 days pregnant lady would do, I went potty... my water broke and I actually didn't even know. So I took a bubble bath to calm my tummy and when I got out I started contracting every 2 minutes, (starting at 7:24 p.m. May 14th, 2013). I called my mom, Grandma T to you. She told me it was probably false labor as well and to lie on my side for 10 minutes to see if it would go away. It didn't so she told me to go for a walk. After the walk they got WAY stronger and I called my dad, who was at a meeting, mind you. Once he got home around 9 p.m. we were on our way to the hospital in West Jordan, UT. We were in Lehi, UT so it was a good 30-35 minute drive. (longest drive of my life). I got there and was evaluated by doctors and I was in early labor but dilated enough to get my epidural (thank goodness!). 17 hours later, my doctor came in and told me I had to get a Cesarean Section. I was terrified and immediately burst into tears. As they wheeled me back to the O.R. I was crying the whole time.

     And then, at 1:38 p.m. you were born. Weighing 5 pounds 8.4 ounces and at the length of 18 inches. Hearing your cry was the most amazing thing. An immediate understanding that you were healthy. After 40 weeks and 2 days in my belly; It finally paid off. And then seeing you and holding you for the first time. Purely amazing.

      Because of my Cesarean Section I was in the hospital for 4 days. I am so grateful for those four amazing, restless, emotionally packed days... Placement day, the day I signed papers was a very special, and sacred day for me, so I won't be sharing about the actual placement. But I will share about signing because I imagine you're very curious about that... I don't remember much because I was on so many medications and pretty sleep deprived. What I do remember: I was cuddling you and kissing you as much as I could. My caseworker told me that I needed to sign, if I was ready. I was. So she went through the 10 or so questions that she had to ask me, by law, to make sure I understood what I was doing. The whole time I was balling. She told me, "O.K., when you're ready sign here." I took a second, looked at my sister. And as I looked at her she nodded her head and I put the pen down on the paper and began to sign my name. The whole time I was almost screaming because of how much I was crying. After I signed, I kind of fell apart. Even more than I was before, ( I don't really know how that's possible...) From that moment on, you weren't mine anymore. You were your mommy's and daddy's. Yes, you're my little girl, and always will be. But it's not the same.

      3 weeks and 6 days later, you're the most precious thing ever. You're truly a miracle. I feel so entirely blessed to be able to have made your mommy a mommy, and make your daddy a daddy. After years of tears and sadness, they found joy. In you...

I Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

T Minus 12 Days!

Dear Baby Girl,

Last night I was lying in my bed trying to find a comfortable position for a 9 month pregnant woman. Not easy with swollen ankles and puffy toes. But once I found that spot you pushed your teeny little foot right onto where my hand was resting on my tummy. I have never felt a feeling like I did last night. It made this whole experience more real than it was before. I don't want to complain but this is going to be a post where I will.


       In about 14 days I will be signing a packet titled: "Relinquishment of Parental Rights, Consent To Adoption and Consent To Termination of Parental Rights." I will be signing away my rights as a mother and handing those rights to your mommy. That's a tough thing to do. I am carrying a life. I'm an incubator for another woman's baby...

     That's how I feel. It's not that I feel like your mommy doesn't care about me: because I know she does, and I know she loves me and you so much. But she's been waiting for you for longer than I have been waiting for you. You were hers before you were mine. And I don't want to beat myself up about it or anything but I'm terrified that you won't want to see me when you're older. I'm terrified that you won't understand where I'm coming from with all of this.


   I'm mostly nervous for the hospital. That moment where I hand you to your mommy and you're instantly hers. Her baby that she gets for eternity. And I only got for 48 hours. I know I will get to visit you but it's not as easy as everyone thinks it is. I have a horrible time dealing with loss. I don't know how I'll grief but I know it won't be pretty.


Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

My New Blog

I have just made a new blog that I would love everyone to check out. It's an online journal of mine. So I'll be writing about my feelings placing and everything in between. Thanks for all the pageviews and everything on here, hopefully my other one will be just as popular :) I will still be very active on this blog, so don't worry about that :)
visit: www.imnotmommy.blogspot.com or click on my profile, and it'll take you to my blog links. :)

Ultrasound!

This is my ultrasound of you that I got when I was 18 weeks along. I am now 35 weeks and cant wait to see your beautiful tiny features :) 

Love You, And I Mean It,

Mom

Pregnancy, Adoption, and More...

Everyone asks "what does it feel like to be pregnant?" honestly, it cant be explained other than: it feels like someones living inside of you... thats what's happening!


     Pregnancy is amazing. Other than the heartburn, morning sickness, and constant feet in the ribs. ;)
Having a precious baby be inside of you for 9 months is the most incredible feeling ever... I know some women struggle to conceive and I cant imagine the pain that brings. Not physical pain but emotional pain. Not being able to have babies would be horrifying for most women, so in my situation I feel and am so blessed to be able to carry such an amazing blessing and gift from Heavenly Father. I have so much respect for women who cannot conceive. Some couples, or women, go different routes when they cant. Some go to fertility specialists and doctors to see what they can do to be able to carry a precious baby. I don't know much about that subject but I 100% respect it. Others go the route of Adoption. Adoption is an amazing thing. Its not a "goodbye." its a "see you soon." In some cases people decide to have a closed adoption, and thats totally fine. In my case, I chose an open adoption. I wanted an open adoption because I wanted to see my baby grow up. In closed adoptions you don't get pictures or visitations... I needed that. This is my baby I want to see her grow up and become a beautiful, mature, loving woman.


     Back to pregnancy. Feeling her kick is the most amazing thing. Although it gets annoying to have her feet in my ribs, its pretty cool. She's this tiny little thing and to feel how strong she is... makes me proud in a way. To think that I created this amazing... creature. A human being. With arms and fingers and legs and toes. Its an amazing thing. By no means am I bragging about this. Its just the thoughts that I have.


     I feel in a way honored to carry this gift because I am blessing a couple. Not only a couple but an AMAZING family. They're perfect and I feel so comfortable around them. Which is how it should be. They're family now. I think about family get-togethers and how those will be when I am invited. To see my baby with an amazing, beautiful family, laughing and playing with her cousins. I love to think of that. It sometimes makes my heart ache because I know how much I want that to be my family she's playing and giggling with but, I cannot provide for her.


     Her Mommy and Daddy are two amazing people. They are both so smart and beautiful. Her Daddy is just finishing college and graduating soon! I know this might be weird to say, but I'm so proud of him!! I can't imagine college! It seems so tough ;) When he plays with his nieces and nephews its the cutest thing! He is going to be a great daddy! Her mommy is a photographer and also works for her husband's work. She is so talented and has the best taste in clothes ;)  (I wish I had her closet!!!) hahaha, aside from the jokes... she's a really smart woman! She is going to be an amazing mommy. Her love for children shows through her smile when she's with them. We went and got ice cream with some of their family and she was just looking at her nieces faces with the sweetest smile... It brought tears to my eyes! I know she is going to be the most amazing mommy. She is so gentle and loving. I love these two people and their family so much...



   

This post is all over the place.....

As I sit here in my bed late at night I think to myself "why me? Why did Heavenly Father choose to have me carry a baby? Why? I'm so young"  

I know that it is his plan and he doesn't make mistakes. I cry every night because of how scared I am to give you away. I am not saying I am second guessing my decision I am just saying I'm really scared. I know my decision to place you for adoption is a very hard one, but it is the best choice. You're precious soul needs the best it can get. I know I can give you so much love. But I know your mommy and daddy can give you what you need. I love you, Darling. 

    You're what makes me happy. I feel your kicks, and when you get the hiccups it makes my day. To feel that you are progressing into a strong little girl is nothing but a miracle. 

      I've waited so long to meet you, feel your tiny hands and feet. Memorize your tiny features. But that day that I meet you will change my life forever. It will be the most emotionally filled 48 hours of my life. I will only get to be with you for 48 hours until I hand you to your mommy and daddy. I know it's the best thing for you though, it's never a goodbye; always a see you later. 

I can't wait to kiss your little fingers and snuggle your little body. I love you. 

  

    You are amazing baby girl. I want you to always know your mommy loves you. Not just your mommy but your birth mommy. 

 I can't wait to meet you little one. 

Sorry this post was so all over the place but at 11 o'clock  at night that's just how my brain works. 

I Love You, And I Mean It, 

Mom 

I Love You, Little One

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed but my soul."

Sweet heart you have not a clue in the world how much you mean to me. Words cannot describe the love I have for you, little one. It is every minute of every day I think of you and the future you have in this world. You mean so much to me and I love you. My biggest fear is to think that you don't know that i love you. You are what makes me stronger. You're so amazing, little one. I love you with all my heart baby girl.


I'm going to go because I cannot stop crying (like usual)


Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

I Hope You Know, Little One

I'm sorry it's been a while since I've written to you, darling. But I want you to know that I love you. I don't want you to ever feel like I placed you for adoption because I didn't love you. I did it because you are my world. And I want you to have the best life and future. And at my age I just can't give that to you. I know that I can give you love but that's not all a child needs.


       Today in church we were talking about trials. I am going through the biggest trial right now. But with Heavenly Father on my "side" listening to my prayers. I can get through this. I want you to know that if you're struggling you can always turn to The Lord for strength and peace. He has given me such strength in this and I know that I can always turn to him.



        I don't ever want you to feel like I don't love you. Because I do. You're amazing. You're beautiful, baby girl.



I would write more but I can't stop crying. I love you

Love You And I Mean It,
Mom

I Think About It Everyday

 

This me when i was a little girl(: teehee. Its so silly to think what youre going to look 

like. I cant wait for May when you are going to arrive.(: 

Love You, And I Mean It,

 Mom

A Little Bit of Honesty

Ill be honest right now, this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and will ever go through
I'm not going to sugar coat a thing because that's not how I am. I'm terrified. So so so scared of not seeing my baby girl for the first month-1 year of your life. I understand its an open adoption and everything but I feel like I'm only going to be able to see you once a month max. I love you so much and I don't want to not see you. You're my world and you mean everything to me. I'm scared of the unknown in all of this. What if when you're older you won't want to see me? What if you feel like I placed you for adoption not out of love but out of abandonment. I placed you for adoption because I care about you more than anything and I want the best for my little baby girl. You mean so much and I can't take care of a child. I can hardly take care of myself. I want you to have everything you need and more and I know your mommy and daddy will provide that for you. You're beautiful baby girl and I know it. This is the hardest journey. I have been crying for the past hour and can't stop because of how scared I am. People don't get it. Unless they've been through it. It's unexplanitory. You're my everything and I seriously can't imagine life without you. Your kicks and flutters that keep me up all night long; I wouldn't trade them for a thing. The weird cravings and laugh-cries that I get; I honestly cherish them. You're a miracle. The fact that a 13 now 14 year old girl can carry such a blessing full term and healthy is amazing. Not many young women can do that. I love you. Please don't ever feel like I did this because I didn't love you.
You're amazing and you are nothing but a miracle


Love you, and I mean it,
Mom

A Roller Coaster Of A Ride

I can't even imagine what your mommy and daddy went through. Waiting for a birthmother. Thinking "what if we don't get "picked"  by anyone?" Thinking there's a possibility that we will have to wait 10 years to even be chosen.

      I was so very blessed to find your parents so soon. They're perfect.

one of my favorite memories with your parents was when we went and saw the zoo lights at the Hogle Zoo. On our way home we were driving and your dad started to sing. It may not be very funny or exciting to you but it was so silly to me. I hadn't ever really seen that side of him before(: It may have been embarrassing for him to have me laughing at him. I loved it though. <3

    Its been really hard, this journey of pregnancy. Feeling sick every morning for like 2 months straight. (Thats not an exaggeration) It was 24/7. But I'm so thankful for you. you changed my life. This is Heavenly Father's plan and he knows what's best for everyone. You're a miracle, honey.

       One amazing thing if pregnancy is feeling the first flutters, and then  feeling full on kicks. Actually, as I'm writing to you youre elbowing me. Haha, I love it though. Youre a true miracle.

Sorry this post was a little of everything. (:

Love you, And I Mean It,
Mom

Grandpa Bob

This is your Grandpa Bob! He's my daddy! Hes a really cool guy. He loves guns, camping, family time, and anything outdoors. He loves you so much. he may not be happy with the choices i made but he loves you. you came into this world fora reason. well, anyways he loves you!! 

Love you, And I mean it,

Mom

This is a Photo of your Auntie and Uncles, and Grandma T!

This is a Photo of your Auntie and Uncles, and Grandma T!
(Left to right) Uncle Austin, Auntie Cara, Me, Grandma Tanya, and Uncle Tyler!
We love you darling(:
Love you, And I mean it,
Mom

I was just reading on your parents' blog. I was reading from the posts back in October 2012, your daddy wrote to you about how excited he is to shoot hoops with you or play dress up with you. How he ended the entry was "I hope we find  you soon!" When I read that last sentence I bursted into tears (that are still flowing). they are happy tears, because they've found you. Their miracle is coming to them! I cant imagine the  excitement your mommy and daddy are going through right now  it has got to be one of the happiest moments in their lives.

Just remember darling, you're perfect in my eyes. I love you. Youre a miracle! Im going to go now because i cant stop crying and its getting hard to see the computer screen(:

Love you, and I mean it,
Mom

you're a special one

I found out I was expecting a baby on September 12, 2012. It was the scariest moment of my life (don't take that personally). The first person I told was my brother' s girlfriend. She really calmed my nerves. a little . The next day I told my mom. She flipped out . I don't blame her. I can't image the thoughts that flooded her mind . Some people my age (14) would probably abort . I would never consider that. Adoption was my #1 thought when I found out. And no,  it's not because I didn't care about you. You are my world. It is because I care so much for you. I want the best for my baby.


    Although it didn't sink in that I was pregnant until a few weeks after the first ultrasound. I knew that I needed to do everything I could to keep you safe and healthy. I found your parents on a blog. Well, Grandma's friend showed us the blog . The day I found it I was so excited. I almost immediately knew they were the  ones(:
They were perfect.


Love you, and I mean it,
Mom