Wow. Tough subject. I haven't written to you in about 4 months. I'm sorry, life happened.
I'm depressed. I miss you like crazy and I'm sorry I say that in every post but there's nothing else to talk about. I miss your sweet smile, laugh, smell. Everything. I want to make you proud, i really do, but these last few weeks, have been hard!
I haven't gone to school in a month, at least. I feel so horrible for it but I just cannot find the drive to get out of bed, and get ready to face 1,000 teenagers every single day. I was passing with flying colors in ASL (American Sign Language) and Peer Tutoring, it's a class where you help with kids that have mental disabilities. I loved those classes. I really really did. I saw myself graduating with honors and scholarships. I really, truly did. But somewhere along the way, my world sort of stopped.
I think I realized just how much I miss you, every second, of every minute, of every day. I know I need to move on and find closure and peace. But I just can't. It's so hard.
All I've wanted to do is grow up, for so long, and now I don't even see myself doing that. I just don't want to move.
YES I want to make something of myself. I want to be a midwife and have my own business. UGH!
But I can't even imagine getting up in the morning, let alone graduating high school, college, creating a business.
What am I even saying?!
I'm frustrated with how the whole adoption is going (that's hard typing that). I need more updates, pictures, FaceTimes, anything I can get, I want 20 of. (haha, I'm insane) I miss you so much.
It's so hard being 15 and not relating to anyone my age, and not fitting in because I don't wear FreePeople clothing and wear my hair in weird buns. I know there's gotta be someone I can relate to out there but I don't feel like finding them.
I know I'm depressed and the shittiest part of it all is that, I don't give a damn. I just want to suffer through it, because I don't have the motivation to fix it.
Holy crap, none of this has made sense. So sorry to whoever is reading this.
Aside from all of the crappy stuff that has happened in my life, I have earned my temple recommend and try to go as often as possible. It really makes me happy. I'm hoping with my going there (what?) I can find happiness, honestly.
Love You, And I Mean It,
Biz
Thank you for sharing your story so openly. It must be hard to share the dark parts of one's days, not just the smile one puts on before leaving the house. You are an incredibly brave woman, and still so young, with such a bright future ahead. If it's any consolation, I believe that your life will be blessed to have experienced this strong love so young, and doubly blessed to have the lessons this love taught you, available to guide you and teach you throughout your teenage years and early adult years. Try and love yourself! You deserve it too! Love is not just for children and family and pets and whatever outside entity you fell deserves love.
ReplyDeletehugs hugs hugs. It WILL get better. You are amazing, beautiful, and courageous. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI too am a Birthmother and placed almost 8 years ago~
ReplyDeleteI went through a lot of depression and it was the hardest for the first couple of years. It got easier I guess, but mostly just different. I found strength in my faith somehow. It's the only thing that's ever gotten me through hard times.
I know how hard it is to be around your peers because you are no longer like them. You are a mother and no other high schoolers can even begin to understand that until they have been through it. My only advice would be to accept how you feel and just know that it's okay to not be 'okay.' A part of you is gone and you will never be entirely whole again- so the challenge now is to find out how you can live without her. There's always hope but it takes time~ <3