Today is a rough day for a couple of reasons. I have been reading on your parents' old blog, where I first found them. They were the first couple I had ever looked at. When their blog page pulled up I immidiately knew they were the ones. Anyways, I was reading a post titled "Thankful for you" at the end your mommy ended it by saying, "come home soon, mom". I burst into tears. Somethings happen for a reason. I honestly believe that I got pregnant and made those choices for Chelsy to be a mom and Brent to be a dad.
I can't stop crying. The silliest things make me cry and stress out. Like thinking what if my house catches on fire and I can't get to my "Clara box" in time?! With school starting next week everything is scaring me. What if people are rude to me because of my decision to place. Most people that I haven't talked to in a couple months hound me with questions. And most days I don't feel like talking about it because its so hard. All I feel like doing is slamming their head onto a table when they ask me those questions. And for some reason they ask right at the moment when I'm the saddest.
I don't have many friends anymore because of my situation. All I do is sit at home and watch T.V. because I don't feel like moving. Which is bad because I have so much thinking time and all my thoughts lead to you. What if things were different? What if you weren't here. Well, my life would be so different. And so would your parents'. I thank my Heavenly Father every single day for you and your mommy and daddy. You saved me baby girl, you really did.
Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Off to Texas
Last night was our last visit until November. This will be a very hard struggle for me and a huge change especially since I used to see you once a week. You are my Angel and its so hard to say goodbye each week but this week was the hardest goodbye. Be safe in Texas baby girl.
Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom
Mom
Saturday, August 3, 2013
An Answer To Their Prayers
"At times we will be tested and the challenges I may have in life will be hard. But I will go and be that answer to your challenge and answer your prayer."
A woman e-mailed me this with a paragraph to go with it. I was reading how she was thanking me for my decision to place my baby. Then I read that. I started to cry because it's so very true. I answered someone's prayers. That someday they will be a mother/father. I feel as if I have a very special place in Clara's family. I've finally answered their prayers.
I can't stop crying. Gotta go.
Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom
A woman e-mailed me this with a paragraph to go with it. I was reading how she was thanking me for my decision to place my baby. Then I read that. I started to cry because it's so very true. I answered someone's prayers. That someday they will be a mother/father. I feel as if I have a very special place in Clara's family. I've finally answered their prayers.
I can't stop crying. Gotta go.
Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom
Friday, August 2, 2013
My Clara Box
What's all in there?:
A polka dot blanket from placement day (she has a matching one)
A quilt Clara's mom made for me
A box with three smaller boxes in it containing the pieces of jewellery I received from her parents
The reliquishment papers, her footprints, and letters from both of her parents families to Me, documents from the hospital.
6 baby blankets from the hospital
All of her baby pictures that I receive weekly, Maternity pictures, and first ultrasound video and pictures
And 4 little outfits she wore in the hospital, her pacifier, and hospital hat
Her hospital bracelets and also mine.
I know I may sound crazy, And maybe I am a little. But I keep everything possible for the hard days. They really help. Her scent on the articles of clothing and baby blankets.
Although it hurts to see the baby onezies and wish she was wearing them while she slept in my arms at night.
It's bitter-sweet to see all of Clara's clothes at their house. They're all SO cute but I wish that those were in my house. With me having to do a buttload of laundry from blowouts and spit up. Those four days in the hospital were amazing, even at the hardest moments. We had a little routine going. I loved watching her sleep. I loved when she had the hiccups, at every hiccup her eyebrows would rise. She has the sweetest cry. It makes me want to just cradle her and cry too. I don't hear it enough. I'm in awe over her.
Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom
I want you to be proud of me
I have been thinking about this a lot lately, what does my future hold?
I've been dreaming of a future in writing. Go to a great college, write a book. Not just any book. A book about my journey of being 13/14 and pregnant, and then placing a baby.
I want you to be proud of me, Clara. I want you to look up to me and go "I want to be just as strong as my Birth-Mommy." I want to be an example to other Birth-Mothers out there. That just because this difficult thing happened in our lives we can move on and become what we've always dreamed to become. We are the strongest women out there.
The reason why I want to share my story is because of the interesting things that occurred. Being 13/14 and pregnant. And then the hardship of the placement. Not all girls who place have as bad of grief as I do.
Every single day I struggle. I struggle to hang on. "Can I do this anymore?" "I can't" flipping through pictures and wondering if maybe your parents wouldn't have to move from Salt Lake to Houston. Having that little bit of hope that you'll stay here. But that's not reality. Reality is, they're moving. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom
I've been dreaming of a future in writing. Go to a great college, write a book. Not just any book. A book about my journey of being 13/14 and pregnant, and then placing a baby.
I want you to be proud of me, Clara. I want you to look up to me and go "I want to be just as strong as my Birth-Mommy." I want to be an example to other Birth-Mothers out there. That just because this difficult thing happened in our lives we can move on and become what we've always dreamed to become. We are the strongest women out there.
The reason why I want to share my story is because of the interesting things that occurred. Being 13/14 and pregnant. And then the hardship of the placement. Not all girls who place have as bad of grief as I do.
Every single day I struggle. I struggle to hang on. "Can I do this anymore?" "I can't" flipping through pictures and wondering if maybe your parents wouldn't have to move from Salt Lake to Houston. Having that little bit of hope that you'll stay here. But that's not reality. Reality is, they're moving. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
It's My Decision
Signing my parental rights away was the hardest thing I have and will ever do. As I sat in that hospital bed, ready to sign the relinquishment I almost backed away. I didn't think I was strong enough.
But I signed them. . .
As I was discharged from the hospital I got wheeled out of the Labor and Delivery section of the hospital. The entire time I was being wheeled out I was screaming "I want my baby back!" "Mom, I regret it!" "Give me my baby back!"
I'll be straight up, honest right now; I was completely and totally regretting signing those papers. I was thinking "Why me? Why can't I just bring my baby home me?"
I think about what my life would be like if I decided to parent. I probably wouldn't be starting my freshman year. . . What would her name be? What would my family be going through? Would it be easier than what we're going through now?
I've thought all of these things for a while now. Some times I wish there would be a crib and changing table in my room and not a vanity and couch. I wish my closet were filled with her clothes and not all mine. I wish I could just hold her when I'm having a tough day instead of holding her baby blankets from the hospital and flipping through pictures of her. Sometimes I wish I was sleep deprived because I was having late night feedings and not because I'm crying for 3-4 hours straight because of a broken heart. Because my baby is in someone else's home, with someone else giving her kisses. with someone else being able to have her call her mommy when she's older. with someone else saying "good night, honey." With someone else wiping her tears when she's had her heart broken for the first time. I just wish it could be me.
But I have to stand on the sideline waiting for that day when she's old enough to call me and tell me about her day and tell me about her first date, her first homecoming and prom. I don't get to witness that first hand.
But that's ok. Because I'm Birth-Mommy. I have a very important roll in my little girl's life.
I think about what my life would be like if I decided to parent. I probably wouldn't be starting my freshman year. . . What would her name be? What would my family be going through? Would it be easier than what we're going through now?
I've thought all of these things for a while now. Some times I wish there would be a crib and changing table in my room and not a vanity and couch. I wish my closet were filled with her clothes and not all mine. I wish I could just hold her when I'm having a tough day instead of holding her baby blankets from the hospital and flipping through pictures of her. Sometimes I wish I was sleep deprived because I was having late night feedings and not because I'm crying for 3-4 hours straight because of a broken heart. Because my baby is in someone else's home, with someone else giving her kisses. with someone else being able to have her call her mommy when she's older. with someone else saying "good night, honey." With someone else wiping her tears when she's had her heart broken for the first time. I just wish it could be me.
But I have to stand on the sideline waiting for that day when she's old enough to call me and tell me about her day and tell me about her first date, her first homecoming and prom. I don't get to witness that first hand.
But that's ok. Because I'm Birth-Mommy. I have a very important roll in my little girl's life.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Welcome to The World, Clara Boo
It was a sunny warm evening, (May 14th, 2013) as I was resting in my dad's green recliner in his bedroom watching So You Think You Can Dance. My tummy was crampy but I didn't think anything of it. I figured it was false labor, or just Braxton Hicks contractions. So as any 40 week and 2 days pregnant lady would do, I went potty... my water broke and I actually didn't even know. So I took a bubble bath to calm my tummy and when I got out I started contracting every 2 minutes, (starting at 7:24 p.m. May 14th, 2013). I called my mom, Grandma T to you. She told me it was probably false labor as well and to lie on my side for 10 minutes to see if it would go away. It didn't so she told me to go for a walk. After the walk they got WAY stronger and I called my dad, who was at a meeting, mind you. Once he got home around 9 p.m. we were on our way to the hospital in West Jordan, UT. We were in Lehi, UT so it was a good 30-35 minute drive. (longest drive of my life). I got there and was evaluated by doctors and I was in early labor but dilated enough to get my epidural (thank goodness!). 17 hours later, my doctor came in and told me I had to get a Cesarean Section. I was terrified and immediately burst into tears. As they wheeled me back to the O.R. I was crying the whole time.
And then, at 1:38 p.m. you were born. Weighing 5 pounds 8.4 ounces and at the length of 18 inches. Hearing your cry was the most amazing thing. An immediate understanding that you were healthy. After 40 weeks and 2 days in my belly; It finally paid off. And then seeing you and holding you for the first time. Purely amazing.
Because of my Cesarean Section I was in the hospital for 4 days. I am so grateful for those four amazing, restless, emotionally packed days... Placement day, the day I signed papers was a very special, and sacred day for me, so I won't be sharing about the actual placement. But I will share about signing because I imagine you're very curious about that... I don't remember much because I was on so many medications and pretty sleep deprived. What I do remember: I was cuddling you and kissing you as much as I could. My caseworker told me that I needed to sign, if I was ready. I was. So she went through the 10 or so questions that she had to ask me, by law, to make sure I understood what I was doing. The whole time I was balling. She told me, "O.K., when you're ready sign here." I took a second, looked at my sister. And as I looked at her she nodded her head and I put the pen down on the paper and began to sign my name. The whole time I was almost screaming because of how much I was crying. After I signed, I kind of fell apart. Even more than I was before, ( I don't really know how that's possible...) From that moment on, you weren't mine anymore. You were your mommy's and daddy's. Yes, you're my little girl, and always will be. But it's not the same.
3 weeks and 6 days later, you're the most precious thing ever. You're truly a miracle. I feel so entirely blessed to be able to have made your mommy a mommy, and make your daddy a daddy. After years of tears and sadness, they found joy. In you...
I Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom
And then, at 1:38 p.m. you were born. Weighing 5 pounds 8.4 ounces and at the length of 18 inches. Hearing your cry was the most amazing thing. An immediate understanding that you were healthy. After 40 weeks and 2 days in my belly; It finally paid off. And then seeing you and holding you for the first time. Purely amazing.
Because of my Cesarean Section I was in the hospital for 4 days. I am so grateful for those four amazing, restless, emotionally packed days... Placement day, the day I signed papers was a very special, and sacred day for me, so I won't be sharing about the actual placement. But I will share about signing because I imagine you're very curious about that... I don't remember much because I was on so many medications and pretty sleep deprived. What I do remember: I was cuddling you and kissing you as much as I could. My caseworker told me that I needed to sign, if I was ready. I was. So she went through the 10 or so questions that she had to ask me, by law, to make sure I understood what I was doing. The whole time I was balling. She told me, "O.K., when you're ready sign here." I took a second, looked at my sister. And as I looked at her she nodded her head and I put the pen down on the paper and began to sign my name. The whole time I was almost screaming because of how much I was crying. After I signed, I kind of fell apart. Even more than I was before, ( I don't really know how that's possible...) From that moment on, you weren't mine anymore. You were your mommy's and daddy's. Yes, you're my little girl, and always will be. But it's not the same.
3 weeks and 6 days later, you're the most precious thing ever. You're truly a miracle. I feel so entirely blessed to be able to have made your mommy a mommy, and make your daddy a daddy. After years of tears and sadness, they found joy. In you...
I Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom
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