Three Years

Darling girl,

It’s been three years since I’ve written to you. Yet, only five days since speaking to you. What a wonderful three years it has been. Full of giggles, smiles, toys, play time, learning, growing, and blooming. You are now five and a half, a kindergartener, a big sister to two. And still, the brightest, most beautiful light in my life.

19 days until you’re in my arms again and we can giggle, have tickle fights, bond over a bag of Hot Cheetos (so thankful you inherited that gene), and make lasting memories together. I will never forget the weight that the gift of open adoption has. Your parents are angels. They continue to welcome me into your life, home, thoughts, and prayers. I’m so incredible lucky.

Signing off.

Bizzy ❤️

Things Get Grey But There's Always A Safe Haven

Something feels different lately.

      It's like I can finally heal! Finally move forward and love myself and my decision I made. Like I can get to know Chelsy without feeling like it's all for Clara. That its for us and for our future.

      I have recently decided I want to become a Pediatrician. In my Patriarchal blessing it says dorm thing along the lines of "you will teach children of our father's love and they will learn that from an early age because of you." I feel like it's my calling. Maybe things will change along the way but I trust that He knows what He's doing.

     I've missed being a teenager. Working at a soda shop is the perfect way of learning how to be one. I just learned what Bae meant. Haha!

     I was invited to see your little brother and sister get blessed. It was a really and truthfully wonderful experience. They are so so so incredible.

     Included in this post is a picture of all of us & one of me and you.

LOVE YOU!!!!
Biz

"BIZ!!!!"

Clara,

You're so big. I haven't written to you in so long it seems. I guess I'm just busy... I feel like I always say that.

You're 2 now. Isn't that incredible!? You make my heart soar when I see your face through my iPhone screen <3 I miss you so much every single day! You are my everything and I'm so proud of the big girl you're becoming!

A couple weeks ago we FaceTimed and had an awesome conversation about what you did that day. I think it's pretty insane to think you can say my name and understand (to an extent) that you know you grew in my belly. :) In the beginning of that FaceTime call you said *gasp* "BIZ!!!!" and my heart fluttered.

I've always said I'm thankful for open adoption, always.. but now it seems like I'm even more thankful. You know me, and thats a blessing.

I miss you like crazy baby. I can't even  explain. <3

Well, I will get back to you soon, hopefully!

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birthmomma Biz

Finally

Clara Jane,
Sorry for not writing in what feels like forever...

Last weekend, which was Easter, your mommy and daddy announced HUGE surprise.

After 5 years of infertility, many prayers & tears, through IVF your mommy is now expecting. I cannot begin to express my joy & excitement for not only you, but your incredible mommy. She prayed for this for YEARS... of anyone I know, she deserves it most.

You are going to be a big sister in a few months, and that's not the end of the surprises....
It's not 1 baby, oh no, here comes trouble with 2!!!! YES! TWINS!

I have had friends ask me if I am jealous in any way jealous, sad, angry, annoyed... etc. My answer, "Uh no! How could I be for someone who deserves it the most. For my baby girl (who's not such a baby anymore) to become a big sister! SAY WHAT?! Stoked, so excited." There is not an ounce of jealousy, sadness, anger, anything!

Pure pure joy!

This is how your mommy and daddy announced it to me, before the rest of the world! LOVE!

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birthmomma Biz <3

Depression

Wow. Tough subject. I haven't written to you in about 4 months. I'm sorry, life happened.

I'm depressed. I miss you like crazy and I'm sorry I say that in every post but there's nothing else to talk about. I miss your sweet smile, laugh, smell. Everything. I want to make you proud, i really do, but these last few weeks, have been hard!

I haven't gone to school in a month, at least. I feel so horrible for it but I just cannot find the drive to get out of bed, and get ready to face 1,000 teenagers every single day. I was passing with flying colors in ASL (American Sign Language) and Peer Tutoring, it's a class where you help with kids that have mental disabilities. I loved those classes. I really really did. I saw myself graduating with honors and scholarships. I really, truly did. But somewhere along the way, my world sort of stopped.

I think I realized just how much I miss you, every second, of every minute, of every day. I know I need to move on and find closure and peace. But I just can't. It's so hard.

All I've wanted to do is grow up, for so long, and now I don't even see myself doing that. I just don't want to move.

YES I want to make something of myself. I want to be a midwife and have my own business. UGH!
But I can't even imagine getting up in the morning, let alone graduating high school, college, creating a business.

What am I even saying?!

I'm frustrated with how the whole adoption is going (that's hard typing that). I need more updates, pictures, FaceTimes, anything I can get, I want 20 of. (haha, I'm insane) I miss you so much.

It's so hard being 15 and not relating to anyone my age, and not fitting in because I don't wear FreePeople clothing and wear my hair in weird buns. I know there's gotta be someone I can relate to out there but I don't feel like finding them.

I know I'm depressed and the shittiest part of it all is that, I don't give a damn. I just want to suffer through it, because I don't have the motivation to fix it.

Holy crap, none of this has made sense. So sorry to whoever is reading this.

Aside from all of the crappy stuff that has happened in my life, I have earned my temple recommend and try to go as often as possible. It really makes me happy. I'm hoping with my going there (what?) I can find happiness, honestly.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Biz

I am a mother

I know it's obvious... I'm a birthmom but I am also a mother and no one can take that from me.

I was a mother from September 2012 to May 19, 2013.

It's obviously not mother's day but this video gets me EVERY time.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birth-mom Biz

I Knew They Were The Ones / Feeling Guilty

Tonight I am feeling oh-so-grateful for finding your parents so early on and building our relationship to such a beautiful thing (its still growing). They really are what I wish for myself in the future, but even more perfect. I've said it 2 million times and I'll say it again... When their blog page loaded I absolutely knew i found them...

Tonight I looked back on their blog that I first laid my eyes on back in (about) September of 2012... I scrolled through their pictures and just fell in love. There was this one picture of your mom and her adorable sisters, with the caption "Chelsy and her cute sisters" all of them had experienced motherhood, yet Chelsy hadn't.

I was talking with a fellow birth-mom friend who placed just a bitter-sweet 3 1/2 months ago. I was explaining to her how in ways I feel guilty that I experienced something so beautiful and amazing, without even "wanting" (not planning on pregnancy/motherhood) and Chelsy, who had waited her whole life and longed for it for years, hadn't. My friend continued with a statement that is so fitting to my feeling (if that's the right word) of this saying something like "We were messing with magic".

I don't know how else to continue...

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birth-Mom Biz

Gotta share this picture...
(You are now 15 months!)