Three Years

Darling girl,

It’s been three years since I’ve written to you. Yet, only five days since speaking to you. What a wonderful three years it has been. Full of giggles, smiles, toys, play time, learning, growing, and blooming. You are now five and a half, a kindergartener, a big sister to two. And still, the brightest, most beautiful light in my life.

19 days until you’re in my arms again and we can giggle, have tickle fights, bond over a bag of Hot Cheetos (so thankful you inherited that gene), and make lasting memories together. I will never forget the weight that the gift of open adoption has. Your parents are angels. They continue to welcome me into your life, home, thoughts, and prayers. I’m so incredible lucky.

Signing off.

Bizzy ❤️

Things Get Grey But There's Always A Safe Haven

Something feels different lately.

      It's like I can finally heal! Finally move forward and love myself and my decision I made. Like I can get to know Chelsy without feeling like it's all for Clara. That its for us and for our future.

      I have recently decided I want to become a Pediatrician. In my Patriarchal blessing it says dorm thing along the lines of "you will teach children of our father's love and they will learn that from an early age because of you." I feel like it's my calling. Maybe things will change along the way but I trust that He knows what He's doing.

     I've missed being a teenager. Working at a soda shop is the perfect way of learning how to be one. I just learned what Bae meant. Haha!

     I was invited to see your little brother and sister get blessed. It was a really and truthfully wonderful experience. They are so so so incredible.

     Included in this post is a picture of all of us & one of me and you.

LOVE YOU!!!!
Biz

"BIZ!!!!"

Clara,

You're so big. I haven't written to you in so long it seems. I guess I'm just busy... I feel like I always say that.

You're 2 now. Isn't that incredible!? You make my heart soar when I see your face through my iPhone screen <3 I miss you so much every single day! You are my everything and I'm so proud of the big girl you're becoming!

A couple weeks ago we FaceTimed and had an awesome conversation about what you did that day. I think it's pretty insane to think you can say my name and understand (to an extent) that you know you grew in my belly. :) In the beginning of that FaceTime call you said *gasp* "BIZ!!!!" and my heart fluttered.

I've always said I'm thankful for open adoption, always.. but now it seems like I'm even more thankful. You know me, and thats a blessing.

I miss you like crazy baby. I can't even  explain. <3

Well, I will get back to you soon, hopefully!

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birthmomma Biz

Finally

Clara Jane,
Sorry for not writing in what feels like forever...

Last weekend, which was Easter, your mommy and daddy announced HUGE surprise.

After 5 years of infertility, many prayers & tears, through IVF your mommy is now expecting. I cannot begin to express my joy & excitement for not only you, but your incredible mommy. She prayed for this for YEARS... of anyone I know, she deserves it most.

You are going to be a big sister in a few months, and that's not the end of the surprises....
It's not 1 baby, oh no, here comes trouble with 2!!!! YES! TWINS!

I have had friends ask me if I am jealous in any way jealous, sad, angry, annoyed... etc. My answer, "Uh no! How could I be for someone who deserves it the most. For my baby girl (who's not such a baby anymore) to become a big sister! SAY WHAT?! Stoked, so excited." There is not an ounce of jealousy, sadness, anger, anything!

Pure pure joy!

This is how your mommy and daddy announced it to me, before the rest of the world! LOVE!

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birthmomma Biz <3

Depression

Wow. Tough subject. I haven't written to you in about 4 months. I'm sorry, life happened.

I'm depressed. I miss you like crazy and I'm sorry I say that in every post but there's nothing else to talk about. I miss your sweet smile, laugh, smell. Everything. I want to make you proud, i really do, but these last few weeks, have been hard!

I haven't gone to school in a month, at least. I feel so horrible for it but I just cannot find the drive to get out of bed, and get ready to face 1,000 teenagers every single day. I was passing with flying colors in ASL (American Sign Language) and Peer Tutoring, it's a class where you help with kids that have mental disabilities. I loved those classes. I really really did. I saw myself graduating with honors and scholarships. I really, truly did. But somewhere along the way, my world sort of stopped.

I think I realized just how much I miss you, every second, of every minute, of every day. I know I need to move on and find closure and peace. But I just can't. It's so hard.

All I've wanted to do is grow up, for so long, and now I don't even see myself doing that. I just don't want to move.

YES I want to make something of myself. I want to be a midwife and have my own business. UGH!
But I can't even imagine getting up in the morning, let alone graduating high school, college, creating a business.

What am I even saying?!

I'm frustrated with how the whole adoption is going (that's hard typing that). I need more updates, pictures, FaceTimes, anything I can get, I want 20 of. (haha, I'm insane) I miss you so much.

It's so hard being 15 and not relating to anyone my age, and not fitting in because I don't wear FreePeople clothing and wear my hair in weird buns. I know there's gotta be someone I can relate to out there but I don't feel like finding them.

I know I'm depressed and the shittiest part of it all is that, I don't give a damn. I just want to suffer through it, because I don't have the motivation to fix it.

Holy crap, none of this has made sense. So sorry to whoever is reading this.

Aside from all of the crappy stuff that has happened in my life, I have earned my temple recommend and try to go as often as possible. It really makes me happy. I'm hoping with my going there (what?) I can find happiness, honestly.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Biz

I am a mother

I know it's obvious... I'm a birthmom but I am also a mother and no one can take that from me.

I was a mother from September 2012 to May 19, 2013.

It's obviously not mother's day but this video gets me EVERY time.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birth-mom Biz

I Knew They Were The Ones / Feeling Guilty

Tonight I am feeling oh-so-grateful for finding your parents so early on and building our relationship to such a beautiful thing (its still growing). They really are what I wish for myself in the future, but even more perfect. I've said it 2 million times and I'll say it again... When their blog page loaded I absolutely knew i found them...

Tonight I looked back on their blog that I first laid my eyes on back in (about) September of 2012... I scrolled through their pictures and just fell in love. There was this one picture of your mom and her adorable sisters, with the caption "Chelsy and her cute sisters" all of them had experienced motherhood, yet Chelsy hadn't.

I was talking with a fellow birth-mom friend who placed just a bitter-sweet 3 1/2 months ago. I was explaining to her how in ways I feel guilty that I experienced something so beautiful and amazing, without even "wanting" (not planning on pregnancy/motherhood) and Chelsy, who had waited her whole life and longed for it for years, hadn't. My friend continued with a statement that is so fitting to my feeling (if that's the right word) of this saying something like "We were messing with magic".

I don't know how else to continue...

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birth-Mom Biz

Gotta share this picture...
(You are now 15 months!)

To The Boy Who Got Me Pregnant

     Even though you despise me so much and most likely will never speak to me again. Thank you.

Thank you for teaching me to love myself because obviously you didn't.

Thank you for letting me experience the joys of motherhood and pregnancy.

Thank you for allowing my body to stretch and scar into a perfect incubator for that life.

Thank you for allowing myself to experience true love... no, not from you, but from Clara Jane.

Thank you for everything.

Elizabeth.

I Have a 1 Year Old Now?!

CLARA!! You turned 1 yesterday at 1:38pm. (5.15.14)

     It was a REALLY tough day...  But instead of being a Debbie Downer I chose to celebrate your life and I baked you a cake:

And decorated it:

(no I have never decorated a cake before)

And got to see your beautiful face via FaceTime:

^Laugh crying from excitement of seeing you^

^Singing Happy Birthday to you^

I cannot believe it's been 1 YEAR!!! Happy Birthday Clara Jane. Your birth mommy loves you!!! I wish I could write more but I can't stop crying. Happy Birthday, my love!!

(ALL PICTURES ARE OWNED BY ELIZABETH LARSON)

Love You, And I Mean It,

Birth-Mom Biz

P.S. I made you that banner to put over each birthday cake I buy/make for you since sometimes you won't be there to blow out any candles!

The Bitter-Sweet

     Clara Jane, I find myself crying over you quite often lately. Your first birthday is just 4 days away, not even, because the day is almost over. I feel all the same emotions I did last year.

Bitter-Sweet, is the only way to describe it.

    I cannot stop crying. I just want to lay in bed and cry and wonder how the hell I will get through this. It's so hard. So hard...

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birth-Mommy Biz

You at about 2 days old:

My Heart Hurts...

Tonight my heart aches with pain from remembering the night I placed you...

The emptiness I felt unto the world was unbearable. Not caring if I died right then because I felt there was nothing else to live for. 

     

    All the bullshit I went through in those four days in the hospital, no one should have to feel. 

     To this day, my heart has never been the same. It's as if someone took a piece of myself from me forever. Maybe because that's what happened...

My heart hurts from remembering... But I wouldn't trade it for a thing.

I Love You, And I Mean It,

Birth-Mom 

Out With The Old, In With The New

     Happy New Year Baby Girl,

     I cannot begin to explain the heartbreak of tonight. I never knew a pink journal could be so hard to read. Inside was a Feeding Flowsheet from when you were still mine... What time I fed you, what day, and how much you ate. It may sound so silly to others but it was hard for me to look at. 

     I have missed out on a lot of "firsts" in the past few weeks. Not being able to be there when you opened your first Christmas gift was harder than I expected. You mean more to me than anything in the world and it kills me to miss out on "firsts". 

     Soon you will be getting your first tooth, your first word, your first time crawling. And your first birthday.

     The heart-break that birth moms around the world face are more hard than anyone else thinks. Sometimes I feel like no one cares. Sometimes I feel like no one understands... It's hard placing your child for adoption when you wish you could've given the life they deserved by yourself. I know you're in a good place. I wanted you there, but I miss you a lot tonight Clara Jane. 

     I hope you had a Happy New Year with your mommy and daddy. Can't wait to see you next, Honey! Happy New Year 2014...

Love You, And I Mean It,

Birth-Momma Biz

P.S. Here's some pictures from our most recent visit last week:

Thankful For Them & You

     Hey Monkey,
You were recently sealed to your mom and dad. I think that was one of the most special days so far on this journey. You looked beautiful and were such an angel all day. Your blessing was so special for me to attend. I cannot begin to explain how much I love your mom and dad's family. I don't think I would've made it through the day without them...

     One of your aunts came up to me and hugged me for like 3 minutes while I just balled. She comforted me so much through that hard time. I remember the first time I met her and her BEAUTIFUL family. We met at a ice cream shop, I was still pregnant with you... You were kicking SOOOO much! I'm surprised I kept the ice cream down and didn't throw up! You just seemed to love them, and you hadn't even came into the world yet! Your totally adorable cousins kept me laughing through that visit! They are so cute and you are so lucky to have them as cousins!!!

     Another thing that was awesome about your blessing and sealing other than being able to attend was your parents' family thanking me for what I did for them, for making it happen, for my selfless sacrifice that I had done for you... I am so thankful for adoption and especially Open Adoption.

I'm signing off now, baby girl.



Love You, And I Mean It,
Birth-Momma Biz

T minus 6 days

Hey honey, I'm so sorry I haven't written to you in a long time. Theres really no other excuse than I'm busy!. I miss you so much. I get to see you in 6 days when your mommy and daddy come back to Utah for your Blessing and Sealing to them. I couldn't be more happy. I wanted you to have a forever family, and you're getting just that next week.

     I haven  seen you in 12 weeks. How do i know it's been twelve weeks? Well, I get weekly letters from your mommy and daddy with pictures of you. I now have twelve of them. Those letters are so special to me. I don't know what kind of state I'd be in if I didn't have them.

     On the 15th this month you turned 6 months! Holy cow. Your mommy says you've been rolling around like crazy. Last time I saw you, you were doing tummy time and could lift your head up and I was SO proud. It's still so crazy to think that I made a human being. That you're healthy and SO strong. That I did the ultimate sacrifice and placed you in the arms of a forever family. Wow. Well, I guess I'm signing off. I'll see you in 6 days. I couldn't be more excited. I'm ending this with a picture that your mommy took of you and I a few hours after you were born. (Don't mind my Cafe Rio spilled on my hospital gown. I hadn't eaten in nearly 24 hours. YIKES!)

Love You, And I Mean It,

Birth Mommy Biz

Go Like It

For those of you with Facebook, I've made a page about being a birth mom. All you have to do is go on and in your search bar type in "Being Birth-Mom" it's the page you want, not the group! Go like it! I made it for easier access and to see how traffic flow is doing (; I will copy and paste my entries from this website and post them on the page.
*this page is NOT being shut down*
Thank you for the page views, they just keep climbing! Don't forget to check out today's blog entry, sorry it's been so long!

Thank you,
Elizabeth

You're Growing!

Hi baby girl, I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while. I've been doing really really well. I tear up every once in a while but I don't catch myself laying in a pool of tears anymore. I miss you, don't get me wrong. But your mom and dad writing to me once a week with pictures is such a help. I cry a little when I read about your daily activities and how much you squeal and squirm now in those weekly letters. I've kept them all, in the same envelope that they came in, with the pictures in the same order they were received.

     You've grown so much. From being my little tiny premie sized baby to a big chunky monkey! You were born weighing 5 pounds 8.4 ounces and at the length of 18 inches. You're now 13 pounds 2 ounces and 24 inches long!! I know when my mom or dad says that I've gotten so big it bugs me but now I get to bug you about it ;)  You "coo" a lot now and your mommy says you hardly like to be held like a baby anymore. (unless you're tired ;) ) Which she says is a good thing. In her letters she's said that you are interested in cereal! You can't stop watching mommy and daddy eat it!

     I can't wait to see you in November darling!

Love You, And I Mean It,
Birth-Mom

P.S. Yes, I've changed it to birth mom because I have an important roll as one, and I accept it now.

It's a Bumpy Road

Today is a rough day for a couple of reasons. I have been reading on your parents' old blog, where I first found them. They were the first couple I had ever looked at. When their blog page pulled up I immidiately knew they were the ones. Anyways, I was reading a post titled "Thankful for you" at the end your mommy ended it by saying, "come home soon, mom". I burst into tears. Somethings happen for a reason. I honestly believe that I got pregnant and made those choices for Chelsy to be a mom and Brent to be a dad.

      I can't stop crying. The silliest things make me cry and stress out. Like thinking what if my house catches on fire and I can't get to my "Clara box" in time?! With school starting next week everything is scaring me. What if people are rude to me because of my decision to place. Most people that I haven't talked to in a couple months hound me with questions. And most days I don't feel like talking about it because its so hard. All I feel like doing is slamming their head onto a table when they ask me those questions. And for some reason they ask right at the moment when I'm the saddest.

     I don't have many friends anymore because of my situation. All I do is sit at home and watch T.V. because I don't feel like moving. Which is bad because I have so much thinking time and all my thoughts lead to you. What if things were different? What if you weren't here. Well, my life would be so different. And so would your parents'. I thank my Heavenly Father every single day for you and your mommy and daddy. You saved me baby girl, you really did.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

Off to Texas

Last night was our last visit until November. This will be a very hard struggle for me and a huge change especially since I used to see  you once a week. You are my Angel and its so hard to say goodbye each week but this week was the hardest goodbye. Be safe in Texas baby girl.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

An Answer To Their Prayers

"At times we will be tested and the challenges I may have in life will be hard. But I will go and be that answer to your challenge and answer your prayer."  

     A woman e-mailed me this with a paragraph to go with it. I was reading how she was thanking me for my decision to place my baby. Then I read that. I started to cry because it's so very true. I answered someone's prayers. That someday they will be a mother/father. I feel as if I have a very special place in Clara's family. I've finally answered their prayers. 

I can't stop crying. Gotta go.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom

My Clara Box

This is what I call my "Clara Box". It has everything that has to do with her in it.
What's all in there?:
A polka dot blanket from placement day (she has a matching one)
A quilt Clara's mom made for me
A box with three smaller boxes in it containing the pieces of jewellery I received from her parents
The reliquishment papers, her footprints, and letters from both of her parents families to Me, documents from the hospital.
6 baby blankets from the hospital
All of her baby pictures that I receive weekly, Maternity pictures, and first ultrasound video and pictures
And 4 little outfits she wore in the hospital, her pacifier, and hospital hat
Her hospital bracelets and also mine.

     I know I may sound crazy,  And maybe I am a little. But I keep everything possible for the hard days. They really help. Her scent on the articles of clothing and baby blankets.

      Although it hurts to see the baby onezies and wish she was wearing them while she slept in my arms at night.

      It's bitter-sweet to see all of Clara's clothes at their house. They're all SO cute but I wish that those were in my house. With me having to do a buttload of laundry from blowouts and spit up. Those four days in the hospital were amazing, even at the hardest moments. We had a little routine going. I loved watching her sleep. I loved when she had the hiccups, at every hiccup her eyebrows would rise. She has the sweetest cry. It makes me want to just cradle her and cry too. I don't hear it enough. I'm in awe over her.

Love You, And I Mean It,
Mom